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We will now upgrade your brain, please wait....Searching....searching...still searching....sorry,NO BRAIN found...!
?I'M AN ALIEN. I HAVE JUST TRANSFORMED MYSELF INTO THIS TEST. AS YOU ARE READING I'M HAVING SEX WITH YOUR EYEBALLS. I KNOW THAT YOU LIKE IT BECAUSE YOU ARE SMILING

? All the love that history knows is said to be in every rose!Yet all the love that could be found in two, is less than what I feel for you.

?If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

?When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.

?Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

?Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death.

?Conserve toilet paper, use both sides.


I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!

? Sorry, I don't date outside my species.

?Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!

? First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering.

? Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Never let a man's mind wander, it's too little to be out on it's own!!!!

? Sex is like programing; One mistake, and YOU WILL HAVE TO SUPPORT IT FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE…

? My girl and me, we are so perfect, she loves me, and I love myself too...

? I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

? Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks your an asshole…

? Never let a man's mind wander, it's too little to be out on it's own!!!!

?News: 3 Chimps escaped from the zoo... 1 was caught watching tv... another playing football and the third one was caught reading this txt message

?God made man and then rested. God made women and then no one rested

?The longest sentence known to man: "I do."

?CNN News. Bush orders 15,000 FBI trained dogs to track down Osama. FBI awaiting further orders as one of the dogs is reading this

?Crime doesn't pay...Does that mean my job is a crime?


This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! ... Now read without the word dog.

?Why were males created before females?
Cos you always need a rough draft before the final copy.

?I want to suck you... lick you... wanna move my tongue all over you...wanna feel you in my mouth...yep, tat's how u...eat an ice cream!

?ALGEBRA: A weapon of math destruction.

?Don't spend $2 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it, put it on a hanger. Next morn buy it back for 50p.

?Do you ever notice that when you're driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?

?I think drinking and driving is terrible. You always spill it when you change gears...

?There was this Eskimo chick who spent the night with her boyfriend. Next morning she found out she was 6 months pregnant.

?What did the elephant say to the naked man?
How do you breathe through that thing?

?What happened when the Pope went to Mount Olive?
Popeye beat the crap outta him.


?I've used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.

?A 3-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and says:
"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

?What's the diff between a Rottwieler and a Poodle?
If Rotty starts humping your leg, let it finish.

?Aim for the stars. But first, aim for their bodyguards.

?What is the difference between a woman and a magnet?
Magnets have a positive side!

?The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.

A: What, what? - WOMAN: The most efficient money reducing agent known to man-kind!

?Why was Phillip's girlfriend annoyed? - Coz she found out that Phillips 24 inch was a TV.

?What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes? - You don't, you've told her twice already!

?What's the difference between Margaret Thatcher and Edwina Currie? - One screwd the miners, the other screwed Majors

?Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease? -    Her IQ goes up.

?Jesus saves, he shoots, HE SCORES!!

?Any woman that thinks the way to a mans heart is through his stomach is aiming just a little too high.

?I'm late for work because the train driver had an out of body experience and didn't come back for a day and a half.

?How many men do you need for a mafia funeral?
Only one. To slam the car boot shut.

?For sale : Twin beds, one hardly used.

?What do you call a Lada/Skoda at the top of a hill? A miracle..

?Why doesn't Jesus eat M and M's? Cos they fall through his hands.

?What are 3 words you never wanna hear whilst making love? Honey, I'm home!

?What do you get when you cross ESP with PMS? A bitch who knows everything.

?How do you save a man from drowning? Take yer foot of his head.

? A chicken sandwidch walked into the bar, ordered some food and beer. The bartender says: "Sorry, we don't serve food here".

? I've got the ship, you've got the harbor ... what say we tie up for the night?

?If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.

? Why'd the couple stop after 3 children? Cos they heard every fourth child born is chinese.

?I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.

? You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

? I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

? My Reality Check bounced.

? Minds are like Parachutes. They work best when open.

? Lightyears ahead! Just a phonecall away!

?There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.

?Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back

?Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.

?What do you call a handcuffed man?
- Trustworthy.

?Why don't men often show their true feelings?
- Because they don't have any.

?What is the thinnest book in the world?
What Men Know About Women.

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